Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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