You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
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