Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
