There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
