The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
