I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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