kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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