so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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