listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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