whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
