Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
