She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
