This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
