mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
