Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
