Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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