I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
