you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
