So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
