Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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