i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
