i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
