im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
