She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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