I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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