mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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