I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
