So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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