Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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