I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
