Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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