At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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