Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
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Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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