i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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