my phone needs a breathalizer
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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