Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
