I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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