What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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