i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
