U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
