I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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