On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
