her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
youre lurking in front of me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
