you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
