So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
