yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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