I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just invented taco cereal.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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