Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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