shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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