I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
