She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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