Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
