my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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