So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We don't watch enough power rangers
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
