I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
